What I wanted to say in Group, what I want to say to Mom and Dad was that it was simple. I am not extraordinary, I am not special, my case, my illness is not something that is rare. It is common as I have learned from Group. When I was growing up I was average, I played outside, I read books, and I wanted a pony even though I knew it wouldn’t fit in our apartment. I wore band –shirts and short-shorts, I munched on cookies and snacks whenever I wanted without any worry. I had expectations pushed on me, get straight A’s keep your room clean, study and you will achieve, and I did want to. I wanted to be great at something, anything.
How did I get here?
How could this happen I pick at my sweater, I fiddle with my buttons, I chew on my lip and stay quiet. I have nothing to say. It took me months to realize when I was so hungry and hunched in on myself looking at the pasta boiling on the stove that once I had started, not just the starving but the purging I couldn’t stop. I had to keep going. If I didn’t it felt like the world might end as extreme as that sounds, I would rather starve, freeze, grow fur, suffer through headaches and gross mouth sores, and the awful pounding of my heart in my chest than eat.
I was hungry but I couldn’t eat.